I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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