There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
