he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
