shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
