I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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