I accidentally had phone sex last night
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
