peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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