"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
