If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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