I'm passing your future prison.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I pour the whiskey from now on
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
