I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
