sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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