All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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