that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
