She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
