When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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