I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
