i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Who wears a wallet chain?!
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
