so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
