My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
