Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
