A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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