Soap is not a condiment
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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