I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
