Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Reggie can tackle my bush.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
