everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
