I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
