shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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