I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
