she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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