So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
