I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
