The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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