Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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