Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
