Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
So much rum. So many feels.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
