Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
