My liver just broke up with me...
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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