My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Randomize
