oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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