It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
