So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
