Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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