Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
