I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
