when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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