sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
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