Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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