Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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