There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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