You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
