the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
