If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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