They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
