i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
