Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
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