Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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