Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
