I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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