PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
