Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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