I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
