me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Are we still banned from the library?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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