Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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